free write ii

you, you or i press my palm flat. press my palm flat against the morning or evening earth. what is it you ask? what does it feel like. its cool. but it warms to my touch. i can feel it move. i can feel the life. the bugs. the tendrils of grass and weed breathe. i can feel them grow warm with prespiration. respiration. and there is that mother in you that loves to see it smile that loves to hold it close like something heavy. heavy as the sky a thin marker of the space between where we live, where we live and where we dream. but i try to find the truth. i try to find my utility. there is nothing more. there is nothing more than all the sum of time to this moment. try as i might i move in this moment. the remembered present. moving thru jam or jelly (helly) never tasted so good. there is a place in you i would like to dig. cake my fingernails with you. watch you unfurl. like sails. like snails. like all those things alive and crawling. there are drinks ive tasted. there are things i wish i would have. it's amazing how many things move like wax. in packs. in packs of wild street dogs. animals roaming the barren cities. willl the wave come and fill the streets. i wonder. i wonder . i wooonelknsda . it moves in different languages and i struggle to keep up. i rmember shoulders. shoulders like jungle cats. stalking sleeping prey. but thats it. thats all i have. is a memory of a memory. a copy of a copy. there is nothing in here holding the line that plums my innards. there is no balance with that divide. i promise to stop checking the windows. stop waiting for something to hold its breath. i am a spent man, spending his last breath. spending it on empty sky. theres nothing up there but everything ive ever wanted. if i was massive. if my shoulders threatened to knock the sky from china, i would lie flat across the continent. i would hold the seas together. i would do my best to push. the... pushe thee. push the lines. push the blah. that was going no where. it's in the earth. it's in the core. i would dig myself raw to hold that molten light. to hold that trembling mother heart. to feel the lava, like first time lovers unable to hold a kiss between their lips. it slips. it slopes. it finds it self followin ropes. to the end. to the mend. around the bend. and it, we, i alone fall, i fall, i tumble and mumble, bumble and fumble. i am the sky. i take it with every breath. i take you and me and she and he. i breathe the stars and dust and ash of billions and billions. they say. they say that the atoms in my right hand are from a differnt star than the atoms in my left hand. fuck you. fuck that. i am those stars. i am still glowing with the light of a thousand gulls carrying the crest the sheets of night. i am become. i am that is. we are what all will be, i am this improper grammar and these mispelled words. i can hear the beams. the berm. and to quote. to recall. to make up... this bends and lists like a broken mother. it will give and it will break down. i am waking to find something beneath the earth.