free write iii

artichoke. pomegranate. split open, splayed with fingers. the oil, the nectar. i want you to dance on my tongue. i want to open the night. i want to own all of the things that crawl. i want to slip under the crashing waves. the crashing digital waves. buzz. hiss. hiss. but, but and i say but. there are ships. there are interstellar ships. that travel around the gravity. that wait. that wait for time to pass like so many arrows shot over your fence. your fences. into your garden. into your garden as i hav said. i need to lose control here. i need to open the taps i can feel it holding me from my chest i can fell me wanting to open. to hewn. to unhem. i dont know what i dream about anymore. i just leave room. i leave room to unfold, but everytime i wake, i find myself on my side. i find the plane lkzlk., m. thats cheating, those arent words. this is too bound. too contrived. i cant let it slip. i want to hold it too close. i want to drown this. like a bag of kittens. im grasping for threads. for red threads. from my fingers thru the serpentines. a big fucking pile of snakes. my muscles are knotted like a big fucking pile of snakes. and my fingers fall like wet stumps. broken branches. snap crack. dont you dare stop. there is too much distance to cover. but my eyes are heavy and this is going no where. im driving in circles i cant find the on ramp. my feet are dirty and i can only think of sleep. but that door doesnt. open. i dont find it takes me anywhere. there are roomss you dont come back from. there are rooms pregnant with sunlight. i remember a few things about that morning. i remember a few things as i dance. as i dance around this fire. the un fired fire. blown out by the wind and sizzled. sizzled by the rain. this should be shown to no one. i cant find my way through the dark. this is getting worse. i cant open my brain. my eyes wont focus. focus. i just want to pund the keys because i cant find the fucking bottom of this page. i can feel it cast. i want to turn over. i want to feel the world turn upside down as i go under. i can see the turbulent see. i can feel it list, i can see the caps so high. the caps so high of surging tides, all bent. all black on turning me over and it does. it turns and im under. and i cant find up. and i cant find down. but i just end right back up again and right back down, turning again and again and a gain and again. this shouldnt be read. this shouldnt be a language. this isnt lucky and its nto going to end. its too conscious. if there is such a thing. i used to want to live forever. scatterbrained and self edited. there is nothing too honest here. im holding too much back. there is. there is something i would like to tell you but im not sure that i can even tell myself. i cant even. i cant even tell if there is anything to tell. this is. the worst thing that has ever found the light of day. CONTROL. ALT. DELETE. worse before better.